===============WE SKI IN PEACE==============
References
+ Empire of the Ants
- A movie about giant ants destroying a town.
+ "Nancy"
- Comic strip.
(Dad & Brak are in the kitchen. Long pause. Brak has a suitcase.)
Brak: OK, Dad, I'm all ready.
Dad: Good for you.
Brak: C'mon, Dad, don't you remember? It's take your son to work day, today.
Dad: Oh, right. Right, have a seat and I'll show you around.
Brak: All right.
Dad: So here is the living section. There's also the comics, ooh look! An adult underwear advertisement! Tour's over!
Brak: But Dad?
Dad: Working.
Brak: But...
Dad: Oh, look. Here's my secretary.
(Mom walks in.)
Dad: Secretary mother, place this man under kitchen arrest! He's stealing secrets from Nancy & Sluggo. Put him in the fridge. See what he knows.
Mom: Secretary? What are you talking about?
Brak: Nancy & Sluggo work for Dad.
Mom: No, they don't, because Dad hasn't worked a day in 15 years. Why do you think you wear the same clothes every day?
Dad: So he'll recognize me?
Mom: No, dear, it's because your father is too lazy to work.
Dad: Why should I work when we have pirate relatives? I say let them do the work.
Mom: We don't have pirate relatives.
Dad: I didn't say pirate, I said bakers and loan officers. Phht. Am I talking to a ghost on a wall on a windy day or what?
Brak: Is that why my lunch money is wood and marbles with numbers painted on them?
(pause.)
Dad: I don't understand the question. Everybody! Out of my office!
(Suddenly, Zorak falls through the ceiling and lands on the floor.)
Zorak: Does that mean me, too?
Dad: Everybody!
(Zorak is holding a satellite reciever-type thing and we hear moans and groans.)
Zorak: All right. Your ceiling's broken.
Dad: Get up there and fix it!
Zorak: Yeah, well... (he leaves.)
Dad: I thought I handled that pretty well.
Mom: No, you didn't. You're setting a terrible example lying to your son about having a job.
Dad: I'm trying to show him that there are bad men in this world, and that those bad men deserve to be kissed by pretty ladies like you...under their work shoes.
Mom: Ooh, you're ???????. It's high-time you find a job like the rest of this men in the neighborhood.
Dad: You know what, Mother? You're right. I will be back shortly with a new job.
(Cut to Dad & Mom in the driveway with a huge boat.)
Dad: Look! A boat!
Mom: (surprised) Oh...my...g**!
Dad: I know! That's what I said when I saw it, too! Look at it, Mother, it's so friggin sweet!
Mom: I cannot believe this. You go out to find a job and you come back with a ski boat?
(pause)
Dad: Yes.
Mom: Where did you get the money for this?
Dad: Um, well, Oh, well, um, that is to say...
(Cut to the kitchen.)
Mom: That was Brak's college fund!
Dad: Hey, now, baby, let's keep it real. Does Brak look like college material to you?
(Cut to Brak and a real man standing on the side of the road. Brak makes weird noises set to music as cars go by. Cut back to the kitchen.)
Dad: C'mon baby, you're going to look so hot on that set of skis.
Mom: Enough. You are to return that boat and find a job first thing in the morning or I'm calling immigration.
Dad: All right, Mother, let me show you something. Check this out.
(The floor lowers down below them.)
Mom: Aah! What's happening?
Dad: Do not be frightened, darling. You see, I already have a job. In fact, right now, I am devising a plan to save the world from an invasion of the giant, killer ant army!
(They land in a control-room-type place. Men in radioactive suits come up to dad and leave.)
Dad: Approve! Disapprove! Affirmative! Disaffirmative. More of this, less of that. Did you get a haircut? Very nice. Rebuild it! Mag wheels!
Mom: I don't believe this. Who are these...
Dad: Wrong! That's not what giant, killer ants look like! They never, ever wear hats!
Mom: This is so strange.
Dad: No, mother, this is strange.
(They lower once more into a kitchen inhabited with cube like robots of themselves.)
Cube Dad: Go get my paper!
Cube Brak: Bananas!
Cube Dad: Ha ha ha!
Cube Mom: I'm baking cookies!
Cube Dad: Ha ha ha!
Cube Mom: Don't I look pretty?
Cube Brak: Bananas!
Mom: What is this place?
Dad: Mother, no!
(The cube robots look and start moving towards them. Mom and Dad elevate back to the normal kitchen.)
Mom: So, every time I leave the house?
Dad: ???????????
(Cut to Mom and Dad in the car.)
Dad: Where are we going?
Mom: I found you a real job. One that involves real people, real situations, and real money.
Dad: But mother, who will defeat the hugeinators of Collasacon? Or the prehistoric sea demons living in our times?
(Mom kicks Dad out in front of an ice cream shop.)
Mom: Get to work!
(She drives off. Cut to Clarence eating all the hot fudge.)
Clarence: And this is our hot fudge machine. (Dips down and back up and his face is covered with sprinkles.) And this is the sprinkles bucket.
(Dad in an apron is smoking.)
Clarence: I'm going to have to ask you to put that out.
Dad: I'm going on break.
Clarence: Oh no, you're not. We just opened and you need to be out of here so we can boost sales.
Dad: What's the point? The government's going to take three-quarters of our profits to build robotroids to hunt us down while we're on vacations and kill us in out bathing suits.
Clarence: Hmm.
(pause.)
Clarence: Say, is it weird having a teenage boy such as myself as your manager?
Dad: I'll tell you what's weird. When my hair elevates, you can see my brain through a clear, plastic bubble. That, my friend, is weird.
Clarence: Yeah, ok.
(Dad blows smoke in his face.)
Clarence: Well, I think I'll go to the back and eat a ?? of sugar cones. I find them utterly delicious.
(Thundercleese comes in.)
Thundercleese: Hello, I would like an ice cream sundae of the hot fudge variety.
(Dad throws his finished cigarette into a bucket of ice cream.)
Dad: Yeah, we don't sell ice cream.
Thundercleese: Well, what is that behind you?
(Dad takes a gun and shoots the ice cream.)
Thundercleese: Why did you do that?
Dad: Could you not see that it was about to rob us?
Thundercleese (upset): I demand to see the manager!
(Clarence comes in with chocolate all over his face.)
Clarence: Somebody threw up back there.
Dad: There he is.
Thundercleese: I would like to register a complaint. This employee has treated me rudely. How do you plan to make restitution?
Dad: We could sweep some of that vomit into a cone. How would that suit you?
Thundercleese: That is extremely unsanitary! And unflavorful. I would like to fill out a customer survey card! Right now!
Dad: OK, fine. I'll read it. You give me the answers. I, the customer, was a jerk on purpose. I had a bad attitude when I came in. Agree, strongly agree, or superstrongly agree.
Thundercleese: Isn't disagree on there?
Dad: No, next question. My demands were unreasonable, and I presented them with a very poor attitude because of my poor upbringing on a robot farm.
Clarence: That's not what it says! Let me see that! (he snatches it from Dad's hand and ate it.) Whoops. Somebody ate it.
Thundercleese; This is the worst ice cream store in the history of the solar system!
Dad: Here, have this coupon to shut you up.
Thundercleese: Thank you. (He flies away and comes back down.) What will this get me?
Dad: My dry cleaning.
Thundercleese: Thank you. I'm sorry. (He flies away.)
Clarence: Did I hear gun shots out there?
Dad: Yeah, that was me.
Clarence: Really?
(Zorak and Brak come in.)
Zorak: You!
Clarence: Oh no!
(Clarence runs away and Zorak runs after him. Zorak beats Clarence up out of camera.)
Brak: Hey, dad, what are you doing here?
Dad: Well, son, your mother forced me to get a job. Aren't you proud of that?
Brak: And how. My dad, telling all this ice cream what to do.
(Dad shakes his head.)
Brak: Assistant teller of all this ice cream what to do?
(Dad shakes his head again.)
Brak: Undercover agent specializing in investigating flavors for flavor command down in frozen headquarters?
Dad: Yeah, I wish.
Brak: It's OK, Dad. I still love ya.
(Usual "talk with dad" music plays.)
Dad: Brak, love is a word once spoken to a woman cannot be retracted, because they remember those things and they often marry you for it. (takes a big puff off his cigarette.) Then, the next thing you know, you take exit 42B, turn left to go .2 miles for the best chicken biscuits in town, and all because the best shoes from the best shoe designers are always 30% off.
Brak: What's that mean, Dad?
Dad: It means turn your home into cash.
(Giant ants come and they are destroying the place.)
Dad: Holy crap, they do wear hats.
(Clarence runs outside and a giant ant eats him.)
Brak: Aah! Did you see that? They ate him in one bite!
Dad: I can't say I blame him. He was sweating pure fudge.
(Zorak knocks his hat off. Pause.)
Zorak: All right, I'm leavin'. (He goes outside and runs past all the ants.) Suckers!
Brak: He made it, dad! Let's make a run for it!
Dad: It'll never work, son. Everyone knows the back door maneuver only works once on giant, killer ants.
Brak: Then what are we gonna do?
Dad: Well, if that da** ice cream had not tried to rob me, we'd still have some ammo left to defend ourselves with.
Brak: Can't you go outside & reason with 'em?
(Cut to an ant jumping on a car and crusing it. Cut back inside to Dad and Brak.)
Dad: I don't think so.
Brak: I guess it's over then.
Dad: Technically, it's not over. First they have to break in and chase us down. They'll probably get you first because you'll stop to sing a song about it.
Brak: That's a good idea! (Starts "singing" like he did earlier.)
Dad: Hey, wait a minute! Are those skis?
(Skis are on, apparently, the giant ants' truck. Cut outside to Dad and Brak and the ants.)
Dad: So, who skis?
Ant: What do you mean? You wanna know which one of us owns the skis or which one of us likes to ski the most? I think it's me, but Charlie thinks it's him.
Charlie ant: Well, we'll just see about that, if we ever find a boat. I will outski you all! (He uses laser eyes to blow up a passing school bus.)
Ant: He's just p***** off we don't have a boat.
Brak: Hey giant ants with car-destroying laser beam eyes! My dad has a boat!
(Cut to Brak, Mom and Dad in the boat pulling three ants on top of one another on skis.)
Dad: We are going to make a kabillion dollars with these giant, skiing ants! Seven, tighten up.
(They all get eaten by a giant sea monster. The credits roll. Music plays among a montage of sayings.)
Cube Brak: Bananas! Bananas!
Cube Dad: Ha ha ha!
Clarence: Whoops, I ate it.
Cube Brak: Bananas! Bananas! Bananananananas!
Zorak: Suckers!
Cube Dad: Ha ha ha!
Dad: The internet.
Cube Brak: Bananas!
Dad: Everybody!
Cube Brak: Bananas!
Dad: The internet.