Dad: Look at me, mother, I'm reading my paper.
Mom: That's nice, dear.
Dad: Now I'm thinking about what I just read. (pause) Okay, time to read some more. Huh. Isn't that interesting?
Mom: What's interesting, dear?
Dad: The mothership is making its thousand-year visit to our planet to select the chosen one.
(Brak comes in.)
Brak: The lucky one? What're they going to do with the lucky one, dad?
Dad: Well, I assume they're going to take him away and make them their king or emperor or something. Why else would they go to all the trouble?
Brak: Wow! Who do you think they're going to pick?
Dad: Right here, buddy. Put your eyes on the prize.
Mom: Oh really? And why do you think they're picking you?
Dad: Because I'm super special, mother. I'm sure the aliens have equipment to detect superspeciality. I mean, they can fly their fancy spaceships through space.
Mom: Well, how do you know they won't select Brak, or me?
(Zorak hops in)
Zorak: Or me? What're you jerks talking about?
Brak: The mothership.
Zorak: Oh yeah. I've heard about that. Pretty lame.
Dad: Not if you're the lucky one it isn't.
Brak: Why do you think they won't pick me, Daddy? Why?
Dad: Brak, I love you like a brother, but you're crazy, man. They don't pick up people like you. They drop them off.
Brak: Aw, poop.
Mom: And why wouldn't they pick me?
Dad: Heh heh, sorry, you're a woman. Everyone knows that women are not equipped for golf or space travel. Space is a vacuum, buttercup, not a place that needs to be vacuumed.
Mom: You know what? I hope they pick you.
Zorak: They're not going to pick any one of you losers! Look at you! 'Cause I'm looking at you and I'm laughing! Muh ha! Heh heh!
Dad: Oh, laugh all you can, you walking stinkwagon.
Zorak: Feh. I hear these motherships are nothing but giant lunchwagons, anyway. I'll betcha $50 you'll get fed to a slimy, talking worm! Ha!
Dad: Oh ho ho ho! Your scare tactics do not frighten the lucky one. Do you think my alien brothers would choose a coward as their leader? No, because then you'd be going. But you're down here with your stink bombs and moustache-drawing markers. Remind me to laugh at your pathetic life from my glourious kingdom in outer space.
Brak: But dad, I don't want you to go! What am I gonna do for a dad if you leave?
Dad: Oh, I'm sure the mothershippers will leave you with a suitable substitute
(Brak begins imagining.)
Dad: Suitable substitute, suitable substitute...
(The usual imagination music plays. Brak imagines his dad is a gumball machine.)
Brak: Can I borrow the car, gumball dad?
Mom: I don't think you should let Brak take the car, gumball dear. He doesn't know how to drive.
Gumball Dad: But he knows how to eat gumballs! That's good enough for me!
Brak: Gee, thanks, gumball dad! Hey! I was thinking about staying out all night with the wild crowd. Is that all right?
Gumball Dad: Hmm. That sounds dangerous. And what goes better with danger than... gumballs!
(Lots of gumballs fly out. They laugh!)
Gumball Dad: All the colors of the rainbow!
(Brak stops imagining.)
Brak: Wee! Oh I love you, gumball dad!
Dad: What are you talking about?
Zorak: Who cares what he's talking about? Who cares about any of this crap? Come on, dork, we're going to the movies!
Mom: What are you going to see?
Zorak: "Ass Disaster 4".
Mom: I beg your pardon! No son of mine is going to see a movie with that title! No sir!
Zorak: Actually, the title is a bit misleading, Brak's mom...the movie is about, um, ugg...
Brak: Donkeys?
Zorak: Yeah, donkeys! There you go. Donkeys.
Mom: Oh, I don't know...
Dad: Oh come on, mother? What can go wrong when donkeys are around?
Zorak: Nothing, that's what. You see, in the film, the schoolbus is on fire. The kids are cooking, and the donkey just blow in there...
Brak: Aaah! No spoilers!
Zorak: Oh, there's more (whispering to Brak) Trust me pal, you'll see some things that you've never seen before.
Brak (whispering): Are you talking about superdonkeys? 'Cause I like the sound of that.
Zorak: (still whispering): You're in for a surprise, chief.
Mom: Well, I suppose you boys can go, then.
Zorak: Let's hit it!
Brak: Thanks, mom!

(Zorak and Brak are now walking down the street.)
Brak: Now you're sure these are superdonkeys, right, Zorak? 'Cause I don't want to see no movie about no regular donkeys, not when super donkeys are on the table. No sir. Oh look, there's Thundercleese. I wonder who he's talking to. (to Thundercleese) Howdy doo-dang, Mr. Thundercleese! Who's that you're talking to?
Thundercleese: I wasn't talking. I was listening. Earlier in the conversation I was talking, but you weren't here! How do you know? Are you spying on me?
Brak: No sir, I was just...
Thundercleese: See to it that you don't! My privacy is sacred! Those who violate it will be incinerated! Ha!
Pepper: Hello, gentlemen. My name is Pepper.
Brak: Hello, Pepper. My name is Salty Dog! I'm a fisherman.
Thundercleese: His name is Brak. And he is a fool.
Pepper: I think he's perfectly charming. Say Brak, who's your friend?
Zorak: The name's Zorak, with a Z. The sexiest letter of the alphabet.
Thundercleese: Stay away from the mantis. He is trouble.
Pepper: Oh, I like trouble. It interests me.
Zorak: Oh really? I must interest you.
Pepper: Oh, it's early in the game yet. We'll see how it shakes out.
Zorak: Oh, it'll shake out. This I can ensure you.
(Suddenly, a floating, green, small man appears next to Thundercleese.)
Small Man: Stupid robot, not so tough, tell me when you've had enough.
(he starts kicking him.)
Thundercleese: You will die!
(Thundercleese goes after him.)
Brak: Excuse me, but Brak has a question for Pepper. Pepper, you're not from around here, are you, Pepper?
Pepper: No, Brak, I'm in town doing some consulting for a large firm.
Zorak: I know a large firm you can consult with any time, baby.
Pepper: Hmmm. Does that patter usually work for you? 'Cause it's working for me.
Zorak: Oh, there's a lot more where that comes from, and I'll show you where I keep it.
Brak: (whispering) Hey, Zorak, we're gonna be late to the picture.
Zorak: (whispering) Shut up! I'm making time!
Brak: (whispering) But what about the donkeys?
(Zorak roars really loud! Brak runs off screaming.)
Zorak: Come on, sugar legs. What do you say we go fog up some windows.
Pepper: Hmmm. That sounds nice, but I really have a lot to do.
Zorak: Yeah, you do. 'Cause there's a lot of me to handle!
Pepper: Oh you dirty little baby!
Zorak: Ooh, you think I need a scrubbin' C'mon, scrub me down!
Pepper: Actually, I wouldn't mind getting a bite to eat.
Zorak: Okay, your play, baby. First we dine, then you're mine.

(It's now nighttime. Mom and Dad are watching the news.)
News Anchor: Well, folks, tomorrow's the big day. The mothership will arrive to select the lucky one. Everyone is wondering who it will be.
(Dad turns the TV off.)
Dad: Well, they can stop wondering, 'cause it's already been settled. I'm the one they're taking. This sweet little package right here.
Mom: Say, honey, why are you so anxious to leave us?
Dad: Mother (the normal "talk with Brak" music plays) It's not so much that I want to leave, I am leaving. It is destiny. And destiny is a demanding mistress. And when she calls you, you can't say "Oh, is it all right if I soak in the tub a few minutes?" or, "I'm not ready! I haven't combed my hair yet!" Ooh! Destiny won't have any of that hooey, no sir, she wants you ready in your space captain rocket suit by seven sharp! So you see mother, (music stops) I must do what fate has demanded of me, no matter how difficult it will be for both of us.
(Mom got bored by Dad's rambling, so she yawned while he was talking and fell asleep.)
Dad: Yes, you rest my sweet. Tomorrow, your candy man is off to the stars.

(It's now morning. Brak zooms in.)
Brak: Toot toot! Ahoy mateys!
Mom: Brak, where have you been?
Brak: I's at the movies, mom.
Mom: For 36 hours?
Brak: I must have lost track of time. All the hype was true, mom. If you see one film in your life, make sure it's "Ass Disaster 4".
Mom: Well, I'm just glad you're home safe.
Dad (like he doesn't mean it.) Yeah, me too. Where the heck did you put my night-vision party goggles? I need them for my mission!
(Zorak hops in.)
Zorak: Hey, I need some cologne, a sledgehammer, and a raincoat! Now!
Mom: Ooh, sounds like someone got himself a date!
Brak: Oh, that's right. I forgot to tell you. Zorak has a lover! (fake kisses) Oh, baby, I love you! This is good stuff! (Fake kisses) I love you too, Zorak!
(Zorak punches him.)
Brak: Ow! I guess I had that coming.
Mom: Oh, it's so wonderful to be in love, isn't it, darling?
Dad: Yeah. Just don't procreate. You'll never know what you're gonna get.
Brak: Hey, what's that thing on your arm?
Zorak: Oh, that's my new tat. Check it out.
(A tattoo is on Zorak's arm.)
Brak: "Pepper. My spicy baby." That's pretty clever. Who made that up?
Zorak: Pepper did. She's got brains and a body that doesn't stop until it gets to the last stop.
Mom: Hmmm. Pepper. Say honey, isn't that the name of the young lady who stopped by this morning asking those survey questions?
Dad: You mean the one who didn't like my happy dance? I don't remember.
(A big, electronic noise)
Dad: Ooh! The mothership has arrived! My people have come for me!

(Dad, Mom, Brak and Zorak are out on the front lawn.)
Dad: Yoo-hoo! I'm right here, mothership! Hello to you!
Brak: Hey look, it's Zorak, there's your lover!
Zorak: Purrrr.
Alien on mothership: Greetings special agent Pepper.
Pepper: Greetings, commodore.
Mom: Ooh, how do you like that? Pepper works for the mothership.
Zorak: What?
Alien on mothership: Pepper, have you completed the selection process?
Pepper: Yes, commodore. I have chosen the lucky one.
Alien on Mothership: Excellent. Give us the coordinates.
(Pepper speaks in an alien language. A beam passes over Dad, Mom, Brak and Zorak.)
Dad: Wait! I'm right here! Ooh! You're making a mistake!
(The beam stops at the house and starts to beam up Sisto.)
Mom: (gasp) Sisto!
Sisto: (fart)
Dad: Who's Sisto?
Alien on Mothership: The lucky one is on board. First rate work, Pepper. You're a good man.
Zorak: Whoa-ho! Wait a minute! When she said "Man" just now, she didn't mean man, she meant wo-man, right?
Pepper: I'm really, uh...
Alien on Mothership: Come along, Pepper It's time you returned home to your wife and children.
Brak: (gasp) Did you hear that, Zorak? She's married! You've given your heart out to a married woman!
Zorak: She's not a woman, you idiot! She's a dude! Pepper, you're a dude! Why didn't you tell me?
Pepper: It's not something I usually feel I have to explain! You don't go around telling people what gender you are. You just assume that they know!
Zorak: But what about the high voice?
Pepper: We all talk like this.
Alien on Mothership: He's right.
Zorak: Ugh! You duped me, you freakin' duper!
Dad: You? What about me?
Alien on Mothership: You never had a chance little man. (laughs)
Dad: I didn't want to go anyway! I could never leave my precious family!
Mom: Oh please.
Alien on mothership: It is time to depart, come along Pepper.
Zorak: I can't believe I fell for this! How did I not know?
Pepper (as she is being beamed up): Hey, buddy, let's just keep our little business between us, huh? I was experimenting. It's lonely on the road. See ya later, chum!
Alien on mothership: And now we bid you farewell. But first, a question. How long do you generally cook yourselves before you're ready to be eaten by a ship of very hungry space travelers?
Pepper (now onboard): I found the recipe, sir.
Alien on mothership: Never mind. Nice work, cookie! Get a rope!

(Credits roll. We see Zorak and Brak watching a movie with calliope music playing. In the movie, a pink donkey falls off a cliff. Then, a green donkey does.)
Brak: (laughing): Oh, look at those donkeys!
Zorak: What a freakin' gyp!
(An orange one using his tail as a propeller falls off.)
Brak: (laughs again) Oh boy! It gets me every time. I can't believe he did it!
(A blue one pushes a pink one off. Then, the blue one jumps off as well. A yellow one cart-wheels off the cliff. Then a red one jumps off.)
Zorak: Shut up!
Brak: Here comes the good part!
(A green one barfs up tiny donkeys, then explodes)
Zorak: I want my money back!