==================NEW BRAK================
References:
+ I Love Beans
- Brak sings this song on Cartoon Planet.
+ Charlie Daniels
- A country singer.
+ Mother, Did You Move My Chair?
- Brak Show episode in which the same country guitar riff was heard.
+ "Shoeless" Joe Jackson
- When Dad mentions Brak is shoeless, it reminds me (at least) of this football player.
Dad: Hey, mother, do you like my new boots?
Mom: No, I don't.
Dad: Oh, come on, look at the dragons, baby, they rock!
Mom: Where'd you get those hideous things, anyway?
Dad: From Rockin' Steve.
Mom: Who?
Dad: Rockin' Steve, mother. This morning when I was out getting the paper, he pulled up in his van and said "Hey, what's up, Dad my brother?" and I said "You know, not much, hanging out, getting my paper." Then he said "I got some boots in the back of my van here that would look hot on you, daddy." And I said "Well, break 'em out, Rockin' Steve.: Next thing I know, I'm sitting here in these rockin' babies.
Mom: Just take them off. They're marking up my kitchen floor.
Dad: You tangle with the dragons, you're gonna get burned.
(Brak zooms in.)
Brak: Hey, everybody!
(Clarence follows him in.)
Clarence: What an entry line! I declare the ice in this room officially broken! To you sir I say bravo, bravo indeed!
Dad: Hey, Brak, who is this chatty little pumpkin you have with you?
Brak: Oh, this is my friend, Clarence.
Clarence: My brain can't believe what my ears have just told them. Brak called me his friend! That's so radical!
Mom: Welcome to our home, Clarence.
Clarnce: Thank you, madam. It is not often when one is granted the opportunity to enter the domain of his idol. I am truly blessed.
Brak: He's been saying stuff like that all day. (whispers) He's a very big fan.
Clarence: I consider myself the world's most foremost Brakologist. An expert if you will.
Dad:(unenthusiastically) Good for you. (to Mom) Mother, what's for dinner?
Clarence: Oh, I'm interested in that myself. What kind of nourishment is required to keep Brak's nimble mind running at full capacity?
Dad: Hey, who is this joker again?
Brak: Clarence, the world's most foremost Brakologist.
Dad: Say, Clarence, would you like to gaze into the eyes of the dragon?
Mom: No, honey, he wouldn't. Brak, why don't you take Clarence up and show him your room?
Clarence: Ooh, Brak's room! I don't think my little heart could stand the excitement! It's too much, too soon.
Brak: You'll be fine, buddy. Just follow me.
Clarence: The Brak group is not going to believe this! Mind if I take some digital pics?
(Brak and Clarence leave.)
Mom: Well, Brak certainly has himself a new admirer.
Dad: He's kind of creepy if you ask me.
Mom: I'll tell you what's creepy. A man your age wearing dragon boots. Sit still, I'm taking them off.
Dad: Mother, do you have to take (rip) Oh, I guess you do.
Mom: These boots are going right back to Rockin' Steve.
Dad: All right, but he's not real big on refunds. Hey look! There's little frogs on my socks! Hello, mother, would you like to come give this little froggy a kiss?
Mom: No. (She leaves.)
Dad: Maybe later, boys. She'll be back. She lives here.
(Cut to Brak and Clarence in Brak's room.)
Brak: And finally, this is my Charlie Daniels clam. I named him that 'cause of the hat.
(Country guitar riff.)
Brak: And that concludes the tour of my stuff. Whaddya think?
Clarence: Oh, it's all I imagined it would be at the 14th power. Now I know how Lord Manly felt when he was honored in the circle of heroes.
Brak: Lord what now?
Clarence: Lord Manly. He's a character of my own invention. I have a hyper-active imagination. The doctor says I'm delusional, but my mom just calls it yammering. Then she slaps me (laughs) Say, do you mind if I ask you a few more questions?
Brak: I don't know about any more questions. I'm tired. (Clarence starts crying...) All right. Go ahead.
Clarence: Thank you. Now, Brak, do you have any allergies? 'Cause let me go on to say I do. I have them all. I often wake up soaked in sweat. Does that fascinate you or was that just a silly question?
Brak: Well, I don't really...
Clarence: Brak, if you disappeared one day, who would you want to replace you?
Brak: What?
(Zorak hops in.)
Zorak: Ha ha! Zorak is here!
Clarence: Oh no! It's him!
Zorak: Hey, what are you doing hanging around with this crapsack?
Brak: Oh, Clarence? He's studying me.
Zorak: (unenthusiastically): Really? That's nice. (normal) You want me to beat him sensless? 'Cause I will, and I won't feel bad about it, either. In fact, I'll feel good! Really good!
Clarence: I'm very frightened, Brak. I wish Lord Manly was here.
Zorak: You'd better get him outta here before his bladder goes.
Brak: I don't want you to hurt him, Zorak. Including Clarence, I now have two best friends.
Zorak: Really? Who's the other chump?
Brak: It's you.
Zorak: Oh, great. Have you told anybody that? 'Cause if you have, I'm gonna go have to beat that memory out of 'em....with a pipe!
Clarence: Perhaps I'd better leave. I have gymnastics for boys at 7.
Brak: Don't forget to stretch.
Clarence: Yes, sir. (he leaves.)
Zorak: All right, so what do you wanna do?
Brak: Do you wanna make love, darling?
Zorak (angrily): What did you just say to me?
Brak: I wasn't talking to you. I was practicing for my wedding night.
Zorak (still angry): What?
Brak: Don't you ever do that? Don't you ever wonder how something's gonna sound before you say it in a real situation?
Zorak: Oh, you mean like "Put your hands behind your head" or "How much for the twins?"
Brak (unsure): Yeah, I guess.
Zorak: Right. C'mon, let's go burn some hair.
Brak: No, I can't. I gotta go spend some time with Charlie.
Zorak: Whatever. I'm burning hair.
(Zorak leaves and walks across the kitchen.)
Zorak: Whaddup, buddy?
(pause)
Dad: That's right. Keep on walking. (Zorak leaves.) Way to tell him, Dad.
(Cut to Mom and Dad in the kitchen.)
Announcer: So day becomes night, and then day once more.
(Dad is making armpit noises.)
Dad: Pretty snazzy, no?
Mom: No.
(Brak zooms in.)
Brak: Lock the door! Bolt the windows! Do it quick! He's comin'!
Dad: Are you talking about Jesus?
Brak: No, I'm talking about Clarence! He followed me around all day repeating everything I said! He even sat at my desk and sang a song about math! I ditched him at lunch, but you never know. He could pop up anywhere!
Mom: Oh, he's already here! He's been here all afternoon!
Brak: Why'd you let him in the house?
Dad: Well, he just marched in here wearing that stupid uniform you wear. I thought it was you. By the way, I gave him your allowance.
Mom: And your after-school cookies.
Brak: What?
Mom: Well he was hungry and he's so polite.
Brak: Aw man!
Mom: I think it's cute that you have a little pal that wants to be just like you.
Dad: I don't get it myself.
(Clarence comes in wearing a Brak outfit.)
Clarence: Hey everyone! Brak is here and that's perfectly clear!
Brak: Clarence, you're not Brak! I'm Brak!
Clarence: Whoopdeedoopydoo! I'm Brak, too! I say crazy stuff all day and people love me. See, look at me, I'm the Queen of France in my brand new pants. I'm upside down in a car, driving around to the grocery store!
(Mom and Dad laugh.)
Mom: How precious!
Brak: It's not precious, it's stupid! It doesn't make any sense!
Dad: I don't know, old Brak, It makes sense to me.
Brak: Why did you call me old Brak?
Dad: Well, I gotta have some way to keep you two jokers straight. Right, new Brak?
Clarence: I got bowties on my feet! I must be walking on my neck! Roopedoopedo!
Brak: Stop saying roopedoopedo! That's my bit! Get your own!
Clarence: Oh, OK. How 'bout (makes a weird noise.)
(Mom and Dad laugh.)
Dad: Stop, new Brak! You're killing us with your cuteness!
Mom: Mercy. That is fresh.
Brak: Where'd you get that outfit?
Clarence: Who knows where clothes come from? Not me, 'cause I'm crazy Brak!
Brak: I want you out of my house this instant!
Clarence: Well, I guess I'd better go. It's time to run crazy in the streets! La la la.. (he leaves.)
Brak: Man, this is terrible! What am I gonna do?
Mom: Oh, honey, It's just a harmless little phase. He'll get over it soon and you'll still have yourself a little friend.
Brak: You don't understand, Mom. If Clarence can get away with being me, then everyone will get a piece of the Brak pie.
(A robot walks across the room.)
Robot: Whoopdywoo! I'm crazy Brak! Ha ha ha! Whoopdywoo!
Brak: You see what I mean?
(Normal talk with Dad music plays.)
Dad: Brak, sometimes when people want to be you, you should let them. Because what happens if they turn out to be better at being you then you are? What then? You're stuck holding the bag, my friend. And what's in the bag? Sugar would be my guess, but what would I know? I'm shoeless Brak the crazy man! Whoopdedoo! Ha ha! Now, let's go watch the TV until our minds fall asleep. Amen.
Announcer: Imaginw that it's later now, about two hours.
(Brak, Mom and Dad are in the den, flipping through the channels. Space Ghost has his own commercial...)
Space Ghost: You know, now that I have a little more time on my hands, I've discovered the joys of stain removal. You see, most of my clothes are very badly stained.
Dad: No, thank you.
(Dad keeps flipping through the channels when they come across the Brak Show with Clarence.)
Clarence: Hey, everybody, It's the Brak Show! It's the Brak Show! Oh, you're gonna have a wonderful time! My name is Brak! This show is about me! And who would I be without my best friend Zorak? (A very badly constructed head of Zorak drops down to the stage.) (As Zorak) My name is Zorak. I'm evil and dumb. Moo ha ha! (normal) Hey, here's a call on the Brak hotline! Let's see who it is. Hello, caller. Welcome to Brak talk.
Zorak: Hey, you little [beep beep] Get rid of that puppet or I'm gonna come down there and ram it into you the hard way!
Clarence (hangs up): Oops. No more calls from that number. Good for another song. I love beans. Beans, beans, beans.
Brak: That's it! He's butchering my favorite tune! I'm going down to that studio and get my Brak back!
(Cut to the studio, where Clarence is still doing the show.)
Clarence: Lima, soy and pinto beans, Li li li, I love beans. Hey look who I see, everybody! It's old Brak! How's it goin', little buddy?
Brak: Clarence, stop the charade. There's only room on this planet for one me and you're looking at me!
Clarence: But why can't we both be you? Your life is rich enough to support 1,000 Braks! By the way, have you ever considered franchising? It could be very lucrative.
Brak: Clarence, I'm me and that's it! Now take off that costume!
Clarence: Hmm. Let me consult with my evil pal, Zorak. (The puppet comes back down again.) Zorak, what do you think of old Brak's offer? (like Zorak) Tell him to stuff his offer! Oh ha ha ha. (normal) You heard the mantis. We do not accept your offer.
Brak: Then we're gonna have to settle this like gentlemen.
Clarence: Oh, this looks like trouble.
(Two football players with uniforms come out of nowhere.)
Ron: Not so fast, boys. I'm Ron "Jaws" Jaworski.
Jim: And I'm Jim Plunkett.
Ron: We travel the galaxy solving problems just like yours.
Jim: That's right, Jaws, for together we are the Quarterback Justice Team! Set hut!
Ron: All right, guys, what's the problem, here?
Brak: Well my name's Brak.
Clarence: Mine, too!
Brak: No, it's not! You see, this guy here wants to be me, but I?m already me and I don?t want him to be me at the same time that I?m me. It pushed me over the edge! You got it?
Ron: Hmm. What do you think, buddy?
Jim: He** if I know.
Ron: Well, I'll tell you what I think. I think this is not a football problem.
Jim: It's creeping me out, Jaws.
Ron: Yeah, me too, man. These guys are freaks!
Jim: Hey, let's go get a cocktail. My knees hurt.
Ron: Good call. Cocktails on my count! Down, set, hut!
(They disappear.)
Clarence: Well, once again, we're at an impass.
Brak: You know what, Clarence? I think I have a solution. If you really wanna be somebody interesting, I know just the guy.
(Cut to Dad and Clarence in a Dad outfit in the kitchen. Dad is laughing.)
Clarence: Mother, where is my dinner? (laughs.) Mother, what's for dinner?
Dad: Ask here where your paper is.
Clarence: Oh, OK. Mother? Where is my paper? (laughs)
(The credits start rolling.)
Clarence: What did you do with my dragon boots?
Dad: I love your sweater. Where did you get that? It looks just like mine but so much bigger!
(They both laugh.)